Spoof: Halloween Study

Subject: Halloween Study by Bullhorn, Munchie, et al

During the evening of Halloween, there were many cars which traveled through the observed neighborhood. While many cars observed the 25 MPH speed limits and many were observed traveling under the posted speed limit, several cars were speeding down this residential neighborhood's poorly lit streets, with one traveling at 50 MPH.

Trick-or-treating children were observed in facial masks which many times appeared to obstruct their vision and they were many times seen not paying attention to their surroundings. In spite of this, no one was killed or injured by a motor vehicle during our study. Since one motorist first received his driver's license in 1953, he is considered an expert at driving in dark residential neighborhoods. Despite the fact that along with him, we observed speeds which varied from well under the posted speed limit, up to 25 MPH over the speed limit at night with kids trick-or-treating, and the fact that no one was injured or killed, we can only conclude that there can be no known contraindication to speeding at night in residential neighborhoods even while kids are out trick-or-treating, because we have observed several speeding cars under these conditions, with no adverse effects noted in any case at all.

Conclusion: While the sample size was limited, statistical analysis revealed no correlation between speed and night driving, even in the presence of small children. Laws to reduce speed in residential neighborhood were originally based on anecdotal reports that there may be a danger to children. Our study shows the contrary. We believe that is time for governments to re-think laws that limit motorists to present residential speed limits, even at night with children present. In spite of previous anecdotal reports, this study concludes that there is no correlation between speed and night driving, even in the presence of small children who are visually impaired by wearing facial masks and not paying attention.

Editor's comments: I am going to publish this and put myself out there as an expert witness. Something horrible could happen to any motorist who has passed the state licensing examination, and is found by the state licensing authorities to be qualified, who drives 50 MPH at night through a residential neighborhood on Halloween and kills or maims a child. I think there might be a chance of a lawsuit or even court trial. This, of course, would be a travesty of justice that an innocent motorist, whom the state has certified and licensed to practice driving, would be charged or sued for this bad Halloween outcome. I hope that this study could, in some way, prevent successful lawsuits from parents who fully understood the dangers present when they allowed their children to walk the streets at night in facial masks that visually impaired them, and failed to exercise full alertness to their surroundings to be sure not to obstruct the path of a motor vehicle.

If something is not done to prevent this growing trend of parents suing for their childrens' bad trick-or-treat experience, automobile rates will eventually force insurers out of the auto insurance market. We will all suffer, as drivers cut back on the number of trips they make, children will not get to school, and the elderly will be denied rides to doctor visits. I urge all of you to work for liability reform to limit the awards given to these parents by our runaway legal system.

In the meantime, I believe this study can help reverse this injustice to our fellow motorists, who like to speed through dark streets in their Porsches at 50 MPH on Halloween. Our biggest problem is parents who are unwilling to assume responsibility for the risks they and their children took, just because they did not get the Halloween miracle they were looking for. The anecdotal incidence of childrens' death due to automobiles on Halloween was previously believed to be very low. This study found it to be non-existent.

I congratulate the authors of this study for their continued efforts to subvert Halloween lawsuits.